Dr. T works very long hours so I’ve found myself alone most of the time for the past 1 1/2 years. I went from a school full of middle school kids and teachers to nothing!! I went from hearing 500 kids talking in a hallway during passing period to nothing.
I like sounds and noise. I like the sound of a busy city street. But I’ve learned that I also like the sound of silence. A firetruck drove by my house this morning with it’s siren on. I haven’t heard a siren in many, many months. It certainly got my attention. This afternoon I sit here needing to pack for a trip tomorrow, and I have everything turned off and I’m enjoying the sound of silence.
I think the reason that I like to keep the TV or radio on is that in the silence, I think too much. With R’s birthday coming up this weekend, I’m thinking about him, and I always think about what he’s missing and it makes me a little sad. This is the time of year when I revert back to the early months and years after loss, and I cry for no reason. I don’t usually stay sad for long, but just a short burst of sadness and then is subsides- that is my life now, and that’s OK.
So as I sit here this afternoon during the start of the Most Wonderful Time of the year, I know that there are so many hurting people out there. I know that the holidays are a hard time for so many. I know that silence can be hard at times. But I am going to try to conquer the silence. I’m going to try to embrace what is my life, and be so thankful for the many things that are so right with my world at this time.
I have found that there is a “sound” to silence. It is whatever I tell myself- what Dr. Phil calls our elevator music. I can feed my soul with negative thoughts or I can feed my soul with positive thoughts. It is my choice. I choose positive- it just feels so much better.
I’ve always loved the song, “The Sound of Silence.” I get something new out of it every time I hear it. I think it is very appropriate for what so many people feel if they experience loneliness especially this time of year. I can feel the emotion of walking alone down a cobblestone street. We attempt to turn from the cold and dampness of loneliness. One very common feeling of people experiencing grief is that they feel alone even when they are in a room full of people. The line in the song of seeing 10,000 people maybe more always makes me think of that feeling.
I remember being at a friend’s house for a party during the first holiday season after R passed away. I was ready to go home, and a few people (especially M) didn’t want me to go home to an empty house. What they didn’t realize is that had been my life for months- I went home every day to an empty house.
In my life today, I don’t ever go home to an empty house, and Dr T doesn’t have to go home to an empty house- we have each other, and I will never take that for granted.
I’m enjoying the sounds of my silent house this afternoon. It is calm and relaxing. Even after 5 years, I still can’t play a lot of Christmas music like I used to, but I’m getting better. I may just put some on today.
I hope that we can all find some time for silence during this very busy time of year. I hope that it is in that silence that we can reflect on what is right with our personal lives and also rejoice in all that is right with our world! I hope you are experiencing peace today!