I feel such a void in my life. I know that part of it is widowhood… it will always be there even if I am remarried. But also- I have had a setback in my life- my new life. The past that I thought I knew of someone isn’t exactly what I thought it was and it has thrown me for a loop. That is as much detail as I choose to get into, but when you find out that what you thought-is not really the reality of how things were/ are, it can be a bit unnerving. And so, that is where I find myself. I am better than I was when I first learned of the discrepancy in what I thought and what the reality of the situation really was. But, I’m still hurt and it will take me a while to get my groove back in this situation.
So that brings me to Christmas. I feel guilty that I’m not more excited about it. I thought today- God takes us where we are. He understands disappointment; He understands pain; He understands grief; He understands feeling betrayed. And because He understands all of those things, I think me meets me where I am this holiday season and will take the praise that I can muster to give for what He did for me all those years ago in sending His son for me.
The more that I concentrate on that thought, the more I realize that I have so many blessings in my life, the more I praise Him just because and no matter my circumstances, the better I feel. It is my prayer that I take my eyes off of myself and my circumstances of the moment- because those change by the day, and concentrate solely on Him and what this season really means. That is the gift that I want to give myself this Christmas. It makes me think of the song that I have always said that I want sung at my funeral… and because of that it was sung at R’s service. Blessed Be Your Name