Jamaica Mon

We just got back from a family trip to Jamaica.  It was so much fun and was our first trip for this “new family” of ours.  It is still hard to believe how much my life has changed in 4 years.  The end of this month will be four years since R died.  So much has changed… so much has happened.

The trip was a great new beginning.  It was me, Dr T, M, C and Molly’s boyfriend, and Molly’s best friend.  C doesn’t have anyone special in his life right now and I didn’t want him to feel funny so I thought it would be great for BFF to go.  She is like part of our family.  The thing about the people who went on this trip is that we are all bonded in a weird way-  we have all experienced a premature loss in our lives.  That is right– all for the of 20 somethings have lost a parent.

I just thought this trip would be good not only for my little family, but for boyfriend and BFF.  We talked some about our losses, but didn’t dwell on them.  We just know that that is a common thread of our lives that we share.

The strange thing for me is that once again I find myself a bit blue coming home from this trip.  It is just the reality that everything is so new and we will never have that old life back.  It makes me sad for me and it really makes me sad for my kids.  Everyone got along, but one evening it dawned on me when I was hanging on every word that came out of the kids’ mouths… Dr. T’s life doesn’t revolve around this.  He likes my kids.  He thinks they are great, but he didn’t watch them grow up.  It is just a different dynamic.  I know it is nothing new.  Families of divorce and widows who remarry deal with it all the time, but this is my reality and sometimes it just hits me in a funny way.

Once again, I’m experiencing the growing pains of this new life.  Once again, I’m experiencing the bitter with the sweet.  But the wonderful thing is that I’m alive and I am experiencing it all.