How Far Do I Go Into the Abyss?

Tomorrow would have  been R’s 52 birthday.  I don’t even really remember feeling anything last year.  My friends and sister took me out to dinner and we talked about him, but I was still in such a state of numbness that I don’t remember feeling anything.  I have read in so many blogs where women’s bodies feel the anxiety of an approaching event even if they don’t feel necessarily emotional about it.  I definitely feel my body going into some sort of relapse-  just utter exhaustion.  But, I also feel the emotional toll from tomorrow.  I’m not really sure why a birthday is bothering me, but it is.

I know that it is so much more than a birthday.  Our baby daughter is fighting the very tedious process of getting an apartment in Manhattan.  Talking to her and helping her deal with all of the procedures and MONEY has just done something to me.

So here is my question in all of this– how far should a person in grief let themselves go?  I feel like I do everything within my power to stay positive.  I do a lot of positive self talk.  I do everything I can think to do to keep from going “there.”  The “there” for me is a place of no return.  I’m afraid that if i truly let myself go, I might have a complete and utter breakdown.

There really seems to be conflicting advice on how to handle the emotions of grief.  Some say to give in and have a good cry, but at some point you have to pull yourself together.  If not, you go “there.”  Others say to remain grateful and count your blessing.  But in doing so, am I just masking the feelings that need to be dealt with?

I would love to hear others’ experiences with how far to let yourself go into the abyss!!