Falling into Fall

I guess it isn’t officially fall, but it feels like a fall day here in Northern New Mexico.  There is a difference in the air.  A “bite” in the coolness of the breeze that has picked up this morning.  As I sit at my window and watch the flutter of the leaves in the Aspen trees, there is a slight unsettling in my stomach.  The main reason for the unsettling feeling is that my daughter is not settled right now.  Because of roommate issues, she is having to move for the 3rd time in her two years of living in NYC.  It is an added stress in her life which adds stress to mine because I worry about her.  I hate it that she is having to look for a new place to live, and I really hate the added expense that she will have to go through.  Since my move, I have lost a huge part of my income and won’t be able to help her as much as I would like-  not that I have had to help her a huge amount, but I have had the income to help when I could.

My other reason for the unsettling feeling is that every fall since R died has brought an unsettling feeling to my life.  In the early days it was just more of the terrible grief.  That first year I was scared to death for the season to change and the days to get shorter and colder.  I didn’t know if I could face it.  As I approach my 4th fall without him, it isn’t the horrible grief and fear that I am experiencing, but an unsettled feeling.  I am thankful that I have a new life, but this new life is just that SO NEW.  A new husband, a new name, a new town- which means a new identity.  No one here knows my old life.  In some ways that is refreshing, but on this day it isn’t.  It is just weird.
So, I leave you today with Happy Fall Y’all.  That is all I can muster today.