Now Choose Life

Choose Life in the after- after the spouse dies, after the marriage ends, after the kids leave

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Being 50

January 23, 2014 by Sharon

I turned 50 yesterday.  I am now the same age the R was when he died.  It was a strange feeling.  I figured out the date that would be the same number of days that R lived into his 50th year.  R lived 119 days into his 51st year.  So for me 119 days after my 50th birthday is May 21st.  I don’t know why I figured that… I know it is weird, but it was important to me to do that.  I will know that every day after that date is a true gift that I have that he did not receive.  I hope that I live accordingly!!

I had a dream about him the other night.  He was not in my dream, but it was about him.  I was at church and for some reason realized that he was missing.  He had not come home.  I went about my regular life that morning, but I knew he was missing.  So when I got to church I realized that I could not sit there knowing that he was missing.  I had to go report to the police that he was missing.  When I got out to my car, someone had blocked me in and I couldn’t leave.  Then I woke up.  I have thought and thought about that dream.  What does it mean???  Here is what I have come up with.  I have moved clumsily moved forward with my life.  I even have a man in my life whom I love very much.  I mean- I really love this man-  My soul loves this man.  We are very happy together even though we live hundreds of miles apart.  It is Dr. T- I have mentioned him before.  But,  my biggest fear or anxiety over a relationship with him has been that people will presume that R is not important to me any more.  That I am fine and everything is fine and all is well.  That isn’t the case.  I am happy- and for the first time in a really long time, I am happy when I think about the future.  But R is missing… he is missing so much.  It is just so sad.

In my dream.  I told myself- “but R is dead.”  The police are going to think it is strange that you report him missing when they know he is dead.  And it just all made sense.  I had to report him missing.  I guess in my mind.  I still live with him missing everyday- I want others to know that he is still missing from our lives.  I am happy.  I have moved on.  But I don’t want people to think that we have forgotten about him.  He will always for evermore be missing.

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After her husband’s sudden and unexpected death, Sharon McCuistian found herself a widow at the age of 48. With two grown children in college, Sharon had to find a way to live in her new reality. She turned to the things she loved to help in her grief: faith, family, and friends. Her love of words and writing became the cathartic venue by which she began to process her loss. It is through her grief journey that Now Choose Life was born. Read More

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