Chapter 1 Start Anywhere
Prompt: It was not until my encounter with______ that I understood _______.
It was not until my encounter with death that I fully understood how to live.
Luckily, it was not my death that I had to face, although my life would be so much easier if I had had a near death experience and lived to go on and tell of the wonders of heaven and how seeing the world beyond this one changed my life. I love to read books about near death experiences. It gives me hope of the wonderful afterlife that we all face someday. It gives me hope that R really is in this wonderful place and is happy. And it especially gives me hope that God is in control of my life… that is what I really need to stay focused on.
But that is not my story. My story is one of the grief of losing a wonderful husband. Before R died I was a different person. I remember sitting in a Grief Share class and hearing that this grief journey was going to change me. I remember thinking, but I like who I am. I don’t want to change. Boy was I wrong. Looking back, I was a very judgmental person. I was way too hard on my children, my husband, and myself!!!
I said from the beginning of losing R that is I did not use this terrible tragedy to make some positive changes in my life, then the suffering ( and his death) would not have the deepest meaning that it could in my life. I wanted to make some changes, but I wanted them to be on my terms.
I look at things so differently now. I don’t feel like I judge others at all. I feel like everyone has their story. I don’t understand their lives or their journeys so why would I feel the need to judge their choices? I think I am a better person because of this change. I fell that becoming less judgmental is the best possible change that I could have made in my life.
The one thing that I see that is not a change for the better is that I feel hurt more deeply than I ever have. Dr. T gets the brunt of most of this change. Something recently hurt me in our relationship. I have had a really hard time dealing with it. I have overreacted at times to the point of not really knowing myself. I think it is all because I have experienced the greatest loss of my life, and I know how badly it hurts. So anything that comes along to make me feel like I have lost something is compounded by the emotions that are still very much alive in my life post loss. I am still dealing with this over reaction to a situation, but I hope that I become better as he and I continue in this marriage that is so new and different for both of us.
Life is too short to be in other people’s business enough to judge. And, it is certainly too short to over react to situations that are beyond my control. I am still working on both of these areas of my life.
I guess the best think about it is to know that I am a better person, not because of R’s death, but because of his life. I think his life and how he chose to live it, made a bigger impact on me after his death than when he was alive. Boy, am I thankful to have had the privilege of being married to him for 26 years.
I was excited to see that I actually had 8 readers on yesterday’s post. I would love to hear from you… how would you fill in the blanks? What did you think of my answer?