I bought plants today.  I haven’t bought plants since R passed away.  He and I always worked in our yard together.  He always worked in the yard.  It was always beautiful.  It is extremely hard for me to work in the yard now.  Just buying plants today was difficult.  I missed him.  But, I am so happy that it didn’t send me into a tailspin today.  I just thought of him a lot while I was picking out what I wanted.  I love coleus.  I think they are beautiful.  It makes me feel like fall is around the corner– closer than I think.

I know that it is just going to get easier.  I pray that it gets easier.  It has gotten easier.  There have been so many times that I just wanted the pain to go away.  I guess learning to live with the pain and the void should be the goal- not getting rid of it.  I know now that I will never be rid of it.  I feel like I am learning to live with it.  It is my reality-  I have to live with it.

Last year I didn’t want fall to arrive.  He passed away in April and I hadn’t experienced  change of seasons yet.  I dreaded the first cold day- I mean really dreaded it.  I thought- almost obsessed- about it for weeks.  I am looking forward to fall this year.  It feels so good this evening to know that I planted most of my plants today.

I feel stronger as the weeks go by.  I am a runner- I will talk more about running and healing later.  I ran 10 miles this morning with friends.  It gives me strength too.  I am so happy to be feeling stronger.

I miss him, but I can do this.