I find myself in a weird place this Christmas. My kids are grown and for the first time ever, I will not be spending Christmas Day with them. M is in Chicago with her bf's family. C will be spending the day with his dad's family. I will be with my new life... my new husband and his family. I told Dr. T the other day that I am really just ready for our drive home FROM all the celebrations.
I feel such a void in my life. I know that part of it is widowhood... it will always be there even if I am remarried. But also- I have had a setback in my life- my new life. The past that I thought I knew of someone isn't exactly what I thought it was and it has thrown me for a loop. That is as much detail as I choose to get into, but when you find out that what you thought-is not really the reality of how things were/ are, it can be a bit unnerving. And so, that is where I find myself. I am better than I was when I first learned of the discrepancy in what I thought and what the reality of the situation really was. But, I'm still hurt and it will take me a while to get my groove back in this situation.
So that brings me to Christmas. I feel guilty that I'm not more excited about it. I thought today- God takes us where we are. He understands disappointment; He understands pain; He understands grief; He understands feeling betrayed. And because He understands all of those things, I think me meets me where I am this holiday season and will take the praise that I can muster to give for what He did for me all those years ago in sending His son for me.
The more that I concentrate on that thought, the more I realize that I have so many blessings in my life, the more I praise Him just because and no matter my circumstances, the better I feel. It is my prayer that I take my eyes off of myself and my circumstances of the moment- because those change by the day, and concentrate solely on Him and what this season really means. That is the gift that I want to give myself this Christmas. It makes me think of the song that I have always said that I want sung at my funeral... and because of that it was sung at R's service. Blessed Be Your Name
I feel such a void in my life. I know that part of it is widowhood... it will always be there even if I am remarried. But also- I have had a setback in my life- my new life. The past that I thought I knew of someone isn't exactly what I thought it was and it has thrown me for a loop. That is as much detail as I choose to get into, but when you find out that what you thought-is not really the reality of how things were/ are, it can be a bit unnerving. And so, that is where I find myself. I am better than I was when I first learned of the discrepancy in what I thought and what the reality of the situation really was. But, I'm still hurt and it will take me a while to get my groove back in this situation.
So that brings me to Christmas. I feel guilty that I'm not more excited about it. I thought today- God takes us where we are. He understands disappointment; He understands pain; He understands grief; He understands feeling betrayed. And because He understands all of those things, I think me meets me where I am this holiday season and will take the praise that I can muster to give for what He did for me all those years ago in sending His son for me.
The more that I concentrate on that thought, the more I realize that I have so many blessings in my life, the more I praise Him just because and no matter my circumstances, the better I feel. It is my prayer that I take my eyes off of myself and my circumstances of the moment- because those change by the day, and concentrate solely on Him and what this season really means. That is the gift that I want to give myself this Christmas. It makes me think of the song that I have always said that I want sung at my funeral... and because of that it was sung at R's service. Blessed Be Your Name
Blessed be your name on the road marked with suffereing
Though There's pain in the offering
Blessed Be Your Name!!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PnWKehsOXu8
I know that this isn't a typical Christmas song, but this is my song for the season this year. I know in my heart that this holiday is just one that is in this season of my life. They won't all be like this. I pray that I gain great wisdom from this year and grow closer to Him!!!
We have had some great snow where I live now. I hope you enjoy these pictures- hopefully while you listen to Blessed Be Your Name!!
I wonder as I post this the ratio between people who are sad to the happy people out there. I think we would all be surprised if we truly knew.
Merry Christmas!!!
Merry Christmas!!!
