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Now Choose Life

Choose to Live Your Life in Abundance in the after--- after the spouse dies, after the marriage ends, after the kids leave. Join me on my journey of CHOOSING LIFE in my after. This day I call the heavens and the earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live- Deut 30:19

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November 10, 2014

Feeling Anxious

I've been feeling anxious about life and I'm not really sure why.  I made a monumental decision today... I am giving my life until the new year... I am going to relax and not worry about another thing or relationship until after the new year.  At that time, things in my life will be different.  One way or another, they will be different.  I have felt very out of control of my own life, and I don't like that feeling.  I should be the one in control.  I have let another person have control over too much of my emotions, and I just can't have that.

I started today thinking of some things I will do after the first of the year.  My life has the possibility of going in 2 completely different directions.  Decisions that are made over the Christmas break will help me determine what direction it is that I will take.  Unfortunately those decisions are going to be made by someone other than me-- but they will help me better understand what is best for me.

This is all very vague, but that is OK.  I am just glad to be able to say that as of this morning a weight was lifted off of me.  I'm glad about that.

The way that I have coped the past 2 1/2 years after losing R is by having several plans for my life.  I always joke to people that I don't have the specifics of plans A or B worked out, but Plan C is well planned out!!!  I guess for now that has to be good enough.

It was good enough for me today to stop being in the doldrums.  Positive self talk and a plan of action were all that I needed, and I found those today.

I'm so glad.

September 10, 2014


I've written a post before about what I was doing on 9-11-2001.  What I know 13 years later is that once you have had one of the worst things that could ever happen to you actually happen to you, you look at life differently.

That is where I am in my life at this point.  I react so differently than I would have before losing R.  I feel like I am much calmer in my approach to life.

So as I face tomorrow know that my daughter now lives in NYC-  I will think of her often tomorrow, but I am not going to worry too much about her-  for I know that like has a way of just happening and I am not going to waste on precious minute worrying about what might or could happen.  I am going to live my life in the moment.  I had a great conversation on the phone with her tonight.

I had the opportunity to visit the 9-11 museum this summer.  I really wish that every American could have the opportunity to visit.  It is an overwhelming experience.  If makes you realize how enormous of the event actually was.

Let's all remember 9-11 and honor the memory of those who died by being kind to others and trying to make a difference in our corner of the world.

What is left of one of the firetrucks.
 Iconic picture with the actual flag encased.  Very moving.

Store display just as it was left after the attacks.  Very eerie.
September 08, 2014

Tuesday Tip

I thought these ideas for using your iphone as a camera were great!! I'm horrible at selfies etc so this was really amazing to me.
September 07, 2014

Just Run With It

I have run at 5am since the spring that R passed away.  After his passing, it was a lifeline for me.  I always told people the exhaustion was my drug of choice in dealing with my grief.  Getting up at precisely 4:36 in the morning to work out didn't leave very much time for sleep.  And, when I slept, I actually slept- no waking up because I was so tired at night.

My running group has changed.  Two of the women that I have run with are now retired and run later in the morning- who could blame them!!!  The other two women that I run with, run much faster than me.  So I find myself out on the dark streets completely by myself-  they are about 1/4 mile ahead of me by the time we finish our 3.5 miles.  It has been a weird feeling to be out there completely alone.

Then last week, I didn't know we weren't going to run one morning... on the way there, I started being followed by a pick up truck.  It followed me all the way to the neighborhood that we run in, and acted really weird shining his lights in my car until he finally left.  It really scared me.

This incident revealed two things to me...
1.  It made me feel even "weirder" about it because after it was all over with and I was pretty shaken up,  it hit me-  I'm all my kids have now!!!  As sad as that is that it is ME- I'm all they've got in the form of a parent.  They have grandparents, aunts and uncles who love them and they depend on.... but as far as who they turn to.... it is just me.  I just feel that even though they are grown, I need to take that seriously and remember that.


2.  My life is really changing.  I don't quite fit here any more.  It is really hard to fit a new life into the same old surroundings.  It is just life and things change, but in a way it is a little sad to me.  But-  I am just going to go on as ME-  I have learned that ultimately, it is just me going through this.  I will need to do my running on my own too.  I am not going to risk being out on the streets by myself.  I am going to run on the treadmill at my gym.  I'll see how I do.

Life changed- I gotta roll with it-  or in this case Run With It!

Handling Life

My life is changing, and I'm okay with that.  I really don't understand the sense of calm that I experience in my life these days.  I guess it really is true that when one of the worst things in your life that can possibly happen to you happens, it changes you.

I'm not afraid of the future.  In fact I'm looking forward to it- no matter what the future brings.  I am starting to see life as more of a journey than a destination.  I am looking forward to see what is around the next corner.  I am learning to live with the void of losing R which I now know I will never get over-  I am learning to live with it.

The latest obstacle is to know how much to share with my late husband's family about my personal life.  In the past, I have warned them of something big that I am doing- especially with Dr. T.  I don't want them to see it on Facebook without first hearing it from me.  But with a  trip with Dr. T coming up, my own family- my mother, sister, and daughter have told me that I shouldn't tell them.  They believe that it is more hurtful for them to hear it from me ahead of time.  This opinion broke my heart.  I have cried and cried thinking that I may have hurt them more in this terrible situation.  I know it is hard on them to see me move forward in this area of my life-  I don't want to ever cause them more pain than I have to.

What do you think?  I would love to know.  Should in laws of a late spouse be "warned" of things in the personal life of the person left behind, or should they just hear about it from others or see it on Facebook?  I'm sure that just as everything with grief- the is as individual as the person going through it.  But, I would love to know others' opinions!!

June 23, 2014

International Widows Day

I did a post earlier this year when I turned 50.  That is how old R was when he passed away.  I figured out how many days R lived into his 51st year.  I then figured those same number of days passed my birthday so I was going to look at it that after that date, each day was a gift that R didn't get.  And from now on- I need to start treating my life like that!!!  I got the day wrong (shocker)  and refigured it-  I truly believe that June 18 was the day.  So every day after June 18 is a gift that wasn't given to my sweet husband.  I was traveling to visit Dr. T on the 17th and so the 18th came and went.  I didn't think about it until a friend  of mine's husband turned 50 over the weekend.

Today is International Widow's Day.  There were times after R passed away that I thought of women around the world who lived in countries where they were scared:  scared for themselves, scared for their children.  Some are refugees, some are treated as second class citizens.  I thought of those women and how my life was so much more fortunate than theirs.  I tried to think of something every day that I should be grateful for, and some days those women around the world were all that I could come up with.  Please pray for any widows that you know today.  And, better yet, if you know of something special you can do for her, Do It.

Here is a video by Richard Branson on the plight of widows around the country.  It is sad to think of what some women have to go through.

January 23, 2014

Being 50

I turned 50 yesterday.  I am now the same age the R was when he died.  It was a strange feeling.  I figured out the date that would be the same number of days that R lived into his 50th year.  R lived 119 days into his 51st year.  So for me 119 days after my 50th birthday is May 21st.  I don't know why I figured that... I know it is weird, but it was important to me to do that.  I will know that every day after that date is a true gift that I have that he did not receive.  I hope that I live accordingly!!

I had a dream about him the other night.  He was not in my dream, but it was about him.  I was at church and for some reason realized that he was missing.  He had not come home.  I went about my regular life that morning, but I knew he was missing.  So when I got to church I realized that I could not sit there knowing that he was missing.  I had to go report to the police that he was missing.  When I got out to my car, someone had blocked me in and I couldn't leave.  Then I woke up.  I have thought and thought about that dream.  What does it mean???  Here is what I have come up with.  I have moved clumsily moved forward with my life.  I even have a man in my life whom I love very much.  I mean- I really love this man-  My soul loves this man.  We are very happy together even though we live hundreds of miles apart.  It is Dr. T- I have mentioned him before.  But,  my biggest fear or anxiety over a relationship with him has been that people will presume that R is not important to me any more.  That I am fine and everything is fine and all is well.  That isn't the case.  I am happy- and for the first time in a really long time, I am happy when I think about the future.  But R is missing... he is missing so much.  It is just so sad.

In my dream.  I told myself- "but R is dead."  The police are going to think it is strange that you report him missing when they know he is dead.  And it just all made sense.  I had to report him missing.  I guess in my mind.  I still live with him missing everyday- I want others to know that he is still missing from our lives.  I am happy.  I have moved on.  But I don't want people to think that we have forgotten about him.  He will always for evermore be missing.