I think of the good old days, long since ended,
when my nights were filled with joyful songs.
I search my soul and ponder the difference now. Psalm 77
This journey has taught me a lot and has made me a different person. I would not want to go back to the person I was before loss. I am a better person. I have a sense of gratitude in my life that I had never had before.
April 26, 1986, was my wedding day to R. We set off on our life and never looked back. We raised two wonderful children. We celebrated 26 years of marriage. We were looking forward to our new life as empty nesters. And, then April 29, 2012 came and everything changed.
So it is hard to get through April 26, a day that was always full of happiness and reflections on how far we had come, and not think of the big "What If." What if R hadn't died that day? What if we were still married, and both working and looking toward our golden years? What would my life be like? I let my mind wander as I wonder and ponder these "What Ifs." But I always find that it really doesn't serve a purpose. I would rather my mind wander to the multitude of memories that I have. The early days, the hard days, the planned days, the spontaneous days, the lonely days, the crammed with kids' activities days-- all of those days that made up our life together. Those are the things I cherish these days. I have learned that I can't live in the "What Ifs." It is too painful.
I don't know why I am amazed that even today, the words I hear in my GriefShare class still apply to what I'm going through. Godwinks reign in my life!!! Just last week the phrase- "Try to live in the 'What Is' world not the 'What If' world" made me pause and think on the week that was to come.
That is what I need to concentrate on today- My "What Is" world is a very blessed world.
I am so happy in my life today. I am married to one of my best friends. Dr. T loves me and is so good to me. We are extremely compatible. I can talk to him like I can talk to no one else. He listens to me and understands. He supports whatever I want or need in this new life. I love him more than I ever thought possible. Our marriage is a top priority in our life together.
The people that I love the most are happy and healthy. My parents are doing well despite some issues with my father. My sister and her family are doing well. My kids are both healthy and both in healthy relationships with people that I love.
My "What Is" is not what I thought it would have been 5 years ago. I wouldn't have known that with all that has happened that I could ever be this happy. But I am, and I'm so thankful for the blessings in my life. I do not take the simple things for granted!
R was never big on sending me flowers. He was very frugal and didn't like spending money on fresh flowers. He once bought me a peach tree for Valentine's Day. I was so shocked to walk in the living room that morning to see a beautiful flowering peach tree in the middle of the floor! That was more his style. We planted that tree, and I always remembered that it was my Valentine's Day gift. But our last anniversary together on April 26, 2012, he was traveling for work and sent me flowers!! They were beautiful, and I will never forget them.
It is a dreary, cold weather week in northern New Mexico which adds to a dreary mood. Yesterday afternoon I decided to give myself flowers for the 26th. I found a beautiful plant of pink daisies! I love daisies- they are such a happy flower.
Today will be a day of reflection, but I will not dwell on the "What Ifs." I choose today to be thankful for what was, what is, and what is to come!!
I wasn't planning on writing the above post, but when the words come, it is so cathartic to write them down that I just start typing and see where I go... I had started My Peak Of the Week...
It is Wednesday- The Peak Of The Week: Here is my weekly list of items that piqued my interest this week:
A great letter from a mother to a son graduating from college. I could have written parts of it to C. It is a letter to make moms of any age or stage really think!! I saw this on the Design Mom blog
How to honor a loved one who has passed away at wedding celebrations. From What's Your Grief
An interesting concept- Grief and Menopause. A list of great resources- this article concentrates on the loss of a mother. I wrote a post on Grief and PMS several years ago.