Today has been one of those days- a really bad day- emotions that I was not expecting swept in and tried to take me under. I've tried not to think; I've tried to put thoughts out of my mind; I've tried to keep these negative emotions at bay, but I haven't been very successful. The day has just sucked!
M has announced after several weeks of prayer and contemplation that she is moving to Chicago. She is so excited and I am very happy for her. Everyone was told last night and then it just started washing over me that life is moving on a breakneck speed and R isn't here for any of it. The kids are doing well and their lives are full and R isn't here to know that.
It makes me so sad. It makes me have that completely empty feeling that I had for months on end. I keep telling myself that THIS is just part of it. These emotions and feelings will be with me for the rest of my life. I guess the good news is that I have allowed myself to just let the feelings come and do what they will instead of trying to run from them. I'm allowing them to serve their purpose- although I'm not quite sure what purpose they serve. My hope is that when I get on the other side of this, I'll feel stronger. That has been how it has been in the past. I feel better when I get to the other side. I feel better after the brunt of the pain.
I'm happy for my daughter. I'm excited for the future to see what great things she accomplishes in Chicago. I have to believe that God will bless our future even greater than he blessed our past.
I just have to because I have to believe that.