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Being 50

Thursday, January 23, 2014

I turned 50 yesterday.  I am now the same age the R was when he died.  It was a strange feeling.  I figured out the date that would be the same number of days that R lived into his 50th year.  R lived 119 days into his 51st year.  So for me 119 days after my 50th birthday is May 21st.  I don't know why I figured that... I know it is weird, but it was important to me to do that.  I will know that every day after that date is a true gift that I have that he did not receive.  I hope that I live accordingly!!

I had a dream about him the other night.  He was not in my dream, but it was about him.  I was at church and for some reason realized that he was missing.  He had not come home.  I went about my regular life that morning, but I knew he was missing.  So when I got to church I realized that I could not sit there knowing that he was missing.  I had to go report to the police that he was missing.  When I got out to my car, someone had blocked me in and I couldn't leave.  Then I woke up.  I have thought and thought about that dream.  What does it mean???  Here is what I have come up with.  I have moved on with my life.  I even have a man in my life whom I love very much.  I mean- I really love this man-  My soul loves this man.  We are very happy together even though we live hundreds of miles apart.  It is Dr. T- I have mentioned him before.  But,  my biggest fear or anxiety over a relationship with him has been that people will presume that R is not important to me any more.  That I am fine and everything is fine and all is well.  That isn't the case.  I am happy- and for the first time in a really long time, I am happy when I think about the future.  But R is missing... he is missing so much.  It is just so sad.

In my dream.  I told myself- "but R is dead."  The police are going to think it is strange that you report him missing when they know he is dead.  And it just all made sense.  I had to report him missing.  I guess in my mind.  I still live with him missing everyday- I want others to know that he is still missing from our lives.  I am happy.  I have moved on.  But I don't want people to think that we have forgotten about him.  He will always for evermore be missing.
- DESIGNED BY ECLAIR DESIGNS -